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CAST
ANNOUNCER
VINNY VANZETTI
POLICE OFFICER
SECOND POLICE OFFICER
PEANUT VENDOR
CHANG-HI
WAYNE
RUBY

SETTING
NEW YORK CITY, 1939, MIDTOWN

ANNOUNCER
(ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Vinny Vanzetti, your average next door mobster. Vinny may be the Mafia King of Newark, New Jersey, but the police aren't interested in his royal status, they just want to arrest him for hijacking a truck full of Benny Goodman records.

MUSIC
("SING, SING, SING" / "THE PRINCETON TIGER")

SOUND FX
(POLICE SHOUTING. FOOTSTEPS. DOGS BARKING. FOOTSTEPS GET LOUDER. SHOUTING.)

VINNY
I ain't afraid you coppers! Bring it on!

SECOND POLICE OFFICER
Oh we're bringing it!

VINNY
What? Where is it? I don't see it, I don't see it!

SECOND POLICE OFFICER
Oh, don't worry, its coming, its coming!

VINNY
Well thank you, good to know.

POLICE OFFICER
And here it is Vanzetti, fire!

SOUND FX
(GUNSHOTS.)

VINNY
Am I in trouble now! They're right on top o' me. I gotta find a place to hide.

SOUND FX
(MORE FOOTSTEPS, BARKING, AND SHOUTING. LEAVES RUFFLING.)

POLICE OFFICER
Where'd he go?

ANNOUNCER
What the police don't know is that he is hiding quietly under the roots of a large tree.

POLICE OFFICER
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle! The Mafia King of Newark has bested us again! Him and his molls and goons!

SECOND POLICE OFFICER
Alright fellas, let's shake a leg. Maybe we can arrest the Mafia King of Patterson instead.

POLICE OFFICER
We got 'im last week.

SECOND POLICE OFFICER
Oh. Whaddabout the Mafia King of South Orange? (FADING OUT) Maybe Elizabeth? Or Clark? Union City?

ANNOUNCER
Vinny is quietly able to escape and journey out of the woods and into New York City.

VINNY
Sheesh, that was close. Good thing them coppers didn't catch me.

SOUND FX
(HONKING HORNS, STREET NOISES, PEOPLE SHOUTING.)

VINNY
Well look at that, I'm finally in Manhattan! Boy, it's quite a trip from Newark to New York on foot.

SOUND FX
(STREET NOISES.)

PEANUT VENODR
Peanuts here! Peanuts here! Germ infected peanuts here! Right here!

VINNY
Goody! I will take a cup of your fresh roasted peanuts, cheify.

PEANUT VENDOR
Uhh… you know… fresh, stale, poisoning, whatever you wanna call ‘em pally. Gasp! What's that gun-powdery lookin' stuff on your hand!

VINNY
Uhh, dandruff?

PEANUT VENDOR
Oh, yeah, sure . . . sure.

VINNY
Well, thanks for them fresh roasted peanuts.

SOUND FX
(FOOTSTEPS.)

PEANUT VENDOR
Hey, buddy, this money looks like counterfeit!

VINNY
…Counterfeit, not counterfeit, obviously fake money, whatever you wanna call it! Now, I gotta go, good luck with them peanuts!

SOUND FX
(FOOTSTEPS SPEED UP.)

ANNOUNCER
As Vinny runs away from the vendor, he catches the scent of sweet and sour pork.

VINNY
Something smells delicious . . . must be that Chinese place across the street. Think I'll get me some sweet 'n sour pork.

SOUND FX
(STREET NOISES, DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, HUM OF PEOPLE.)

MUSIC
"NAN NI WAN"

CHANG-HI
(CHINESE ACCENT, STUDDERING, SKIPPING WORDS) Yes, sir, may I help you?

VINNY
Ahhh . . . sure, gimme some sweat and sour pork. And uh, do you know anything about the sign in your window? The one that says there's a room to let?

CHANG-HI
Yeah! It's upstairs. Nice room. Two roommates. Very clean. You like?

VINNY
I like.

CHANG-HI
Now, I must warn you, one very sarcastic, the other… he very stupid. He get all excited all the time for no reason! He never shut up!

VINNY
Well that's okay, as long as they're talkative. My last roommate was put into solitary confinement after a little . . . incident we had.

CHANG-HI
Incident? What you talking 'bout?

VINNY
Well, about seven year ago I was . . . driving drunk . . . and I uhh . . . crashed the car, and . . . confined him to a wheelchair! Yes! I confined him to a wheelchair!

CHANG-HI
Wait, you say you drunk driving seven years ago? You drink wine?

VINNY
Well, it's a little early for a drink, but if you're offering!

CHANG-HI
No, PROHIBITON! What about prohibition seven years ago!

VINNY
Oh, I'm sorry, did I say get drunk on wine? I meant, uh . . . uh . . . milk?

CHANG-HI
Oh sure! You get real hammered on milk!

ANNOUNCER
Vinny not only moves into the room, which is on the second floor of the restaurant, but he gets a job in the restaurant. While settling in to his new home, he meets his two new roommates.

WAYNE
Slip me five, roommate! I heard from Chang-Hi that you're working in the restaurant downstairs. I'm Wayne, I'm a mailman.

VINNY
Well, Chang-hi told you right. I'm Vinny, and I'm a Chinese waiter.

WAYNE
You're Chinese?

VINNY
Yeah, on my . . . cousin's side.

SOUND FX
(DOOR SLAM, FOOTSTEPS)

WAYNE
(EXCITED, IMAGINE HIM BOBBING UP AND DOWN) Hey, Ruby, meet our new roommate, Vinny. He's a Chinese waiter.

NOTE: Guys, the pace of this next bit has got to be fast, the reactions from one line to the next have to be immediate. When one person finishes there line, the next person has to start immediately after. DO NOT PAUSE FROM LINE TO LINE!!!

RUBY
You're Chinese? You don't look Chinese.

VINNY
Well, I was adopted.

WAYNE
(QUESTIONING, NERVOUSLY, UNCERTAIN) But, you said you were Chinese on your cousin's side!

VINNY
Oh, well he's my adopted cousin.

RUBY
(EMPHASIS ON YOU!) But I thought you were adopted.

VINNY
That's right, I adopted my cousin.

WAYNE
Wait a minute, how can you adopt your cousin?

VINNY
Well, cousins run in my family, and adoption is an old family tradition. So, Wayne here tells me he's a mailman. Who are you and what do you do?

RUBY
I'm Ruby. I'm a cabbie.

VINNY
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Good to know if I ever need a getaway car.

RUBY
A getaway car?

VINNY
Yeah, you know . . . getaway to the countryside, where nobody knows me, so I can escape . . . the stress of being a Chinese waiter!

RUBY
(VERY SARCASTICALLY!) Oh sure, because waiting tables is a job only for trained professionals! I have to drive random strangers around this city just because my stupid brother broke his tailbone when he fell into a toilet!

NOTE: Once again, fast reactions, play off of one another quickly.

VINNY
Your brother fell into a toilet?

RUBY
(QUICK REACTION) He's not very coordinated. My brother once broke his nose by sneezing into a tissue too hard!

VINNY
Uhh . . . yeah.

ANNOUNCER
(SLOWLY, ENUNCIATING) Fortunately for Vinny, he escapes this uncomfortable conversation with his new roommates by reporting to work in the restaurant. Unfortunately for Vinny, a policeman enters the restaurant that evening, one of the same policemen who had chased him into the neighborhood.

FX
CLANKING PLATES, FOOTSTEPS, QUIET CHATTER.

POLICE OFFICER
Hey, I'd like some noodle juice and white rice.

VINNY
Will that be all, officer?

POLICE OFFICER
Excuse me, but don't I know you?

VINNY
(NERVOUS) Well, a lot of people know me. He knows me, she knows me, you, you no know me.

POLICE OFFICER
Yes, but, I feel as though I've just seen you someplace. Have you gone anywhere recently?

VINNY
Well, I go to a lot of places a lot of the time, I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere!

POLICE OFFICER
Hey, I got another question for ya', if you're Chinese, why do you speak with a pasta-loving accent?

VINNY
Well, I'll tell ya', there are many voices to Vinny the Chinese waiter! Sometimes I'm Vinny (IRISH ACCENT) the Irishman! Sometimes I'm Vinny (FAST TALKING, SPORTSCASTER VOICE) the baseball commentator! And sometimes I'm just Vinny . . . that guy!

POLICE OFFICER
(INTERUPTING ALMOST) Hold the phone! Did you just say your name is Vinny! As in Vinny Vanzetti, the Mafia King of Newark!

VINNY
Uh, no, I'm just Vinny the Chinese waiter. But I'll tell ya something about that other guy who happened to escape from the police three or more times and/or hijacked a truck full of Benny Goodman records: he must be pretty good at what he does.

POLICE OFFICER
(VERY BIG EMOTION, SARCASTICALLY) And what's he good at? Dumping people into the bottom of the river?!!! And not even the nicer, cleaner ones!?

VINNY
Hey, I might not be that guy, but it was most likely three or less times and was probably an accident!

SOUND FX
(DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS.)

RUBY
Vinny, Wayne and I were hoping you could bring some Chinese food home for dinner? (SARCASTICALLY) You can handle such a daunting task, can't you?

VINNY
(ANGRILY, SARCASTICALLY) I'll give it a go!

POLICE OFFICER
Is his name seriously Vinny?

RUBY
Yeah, Vinny — Mr. Chinese waiter. (SARCASTICALLY) He's the best at what he does!

SOUND FX
(DOOR OPENS AGAIN, MORE FOOTSTEPS.)

WAYNE
Hey Rubes, is he bringing us dinner tonight or not?! I'm real peckish!

RUBY
(VERY SARCASTICALLY) No Wayne, we're in the apartment right now eating the our delicious meal!

WAYNE
Really?!! You can be in two places at once! I wanna' go say to myself!

RUBY
(SAY THIS AS IF HE HAS SAID THAT DUMBEST THING IN THE WORLD AND YOU ARE SIMPLY TOO TIRED TO CARE) Wayne, no . . .

WAYNE
. . . Oh, yeah! To be in two places at once there'd have to be two of me, and that's impossible . . . right?

RUBY
It's a good question, Wayne. It's a good question.

WAYNE
Yeah, that was pretty funny, because there aren't two of me . . . (INQUIRING, SLOWLY) or are there?

RUBY
(INTERUPPTING VERY ABRUPTLY) Wayne, you have to stop.

POLICE OFFICER
Alright, alright, you two know this fella?

WAYNE
Know him, we love him! He's Vinny - the Chinese waiter!

POLICE OFFICER
Well, he don't look Chinese to me. He looks more southern European, like a certain gent we happen to be searchin' for on the police force.

NOTE: Here comes the repeating of the cousins bit. Once again, you need to have fast reactions, and play off of each other quickly. When person finishes there line, you say yours a split second later.

RUBY
No, no, no. He's a genuine eastern Oriental. He's Chinese on his cousin's side.

POLICE OFFICER
His cousin's side?

WAYNE
(INTELLIGENTLY) Well, he was adopted.

POLICE OFFICER
Hey — I thought you said he was Chinese on his cousin's side.

RUBY
Yes, his cousin was adopted.

POLICE OFFICER
(EMPHASIS ON VINNY) But I thought you said Vinny was adopted.

WAYNE
Well, he adopted his cousin.

POLICE OFFICER
Wait a minute, how's that work?

RUBY
(NON-BELIEVING, SARCASTICALY) It's simple, really. Cousins and adoption run in his family.

WAYNE
(EXCITED) His Chinese family.

VINNY
(PIPES IN, STUNNED) Uh, your noodle juice and white rice, Officer.

POLICE OFFICER
Uh, thanks. (CONFUSED) You enjoy that Chinese family of yours now . . . Vinny.

SOUND FX
(FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.)

VINNY
Gee . . . Wayne, Ruby, thanks for saving me.

RUBY
Saving you? Saving you from what?

VINNY
Uh, well, saving me from having to tell that copper the long story of my family. I get winded, sometimes manic while telling it.

WAYNE
Oh, that, it was nothing. I'm be happy to tell people that you're Chinese!

RUBY
(UNBELIEVABLY SARCASTICALLY!!!!!) Well, it was a tough job. In fact, its almost as hard as you waiting tables. Say, why don't you show us your thanks by brining home some Chinese food for dinner!

VINNY
It's the least I can do. Especially for you, Ruby, you sarcastic dim box driver you!

MUSIC
("SING, SING, SING" / "THE PRINCETON TIGER")

MUSIC
("WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD")

ANNOUNCER
If you're looking for a getaway just like Vinny, go see The Wizard of Oz, starring Judy Garland as Dorothy. In her adventure, she travels through the magical land of Oz, meeting along the way a scarecrow without a brain, a tin man without a heart, a lion with out courage, Glenda the good witch, the Wicked Witch of the West, flying monkeys, and an ensemble of munchkins. Go see the most colorful and spectacular motion picture event of the year, The Wizard of Oz!

This broadcast of The Life of Vinny Vanzetti was brought to you by Number-Two pencils. They'll keep you sharp!

There were approximately 24 radio plays done by Edgemont's 8th Grade class in 2008:

All writing edited only for spelling and punctuation by Greg's Dad.